


if i could choose my dream (i just wanna stay right next to you)

by hihigh (girlgroup)



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:02:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18413984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlgroup/pseuds/hihigh
Summary: You know, as you watch Heejin walk out of the door, that you and her can never happen. You know she will find a husband she will not love (for business, her parents will say), you know that she'll never be yours, you know that the brief period of your life where you can love her is coming to an end.You know, and still, meeting eyes with Heejin as she looks back to steal one more glance at you, you hope.





	if i could choose my dream (i just wanna stay right next to you)

**Author's Note:**

> theres this part at the end i drew from this book but i dont remember what book
> 
> title from tokyo - rm

Your whole life, you've never had good restraint. By that, you mean you often aren't able to stop yourself from doing things you know aren't good for you.

Case in point: senior year of high school, juggling soccer, academics, and your job. Ditching after-school study sessions to spend time with Heejin and getting the first failing grade ever on your math exam.

Going outside without a coat just to spite your mom who insisted you needed one and freezing. Picking at scabs until they leave scars on your elbows and knees. Chewing on ice despite Heejin's warnings of  _that's gonna wear down your teeth, Hyun_ and getting yelled at by your orthodontist.

Agreeing to become the heir of a big company's bodyguard at the age of 13 because  _why not?_  You always thought bodyguards were so cool in movies, you wanted extra money to help mom, and you've liked martial arts since your first Judo lesson at 4. Getting closer and closer with the aforementioned heir (Heejin) despite the warnings from your mom, Heejin (by extension, your) "babysitter," and Heejin's parents to not get so attached. Falling in love with the most unattainable person in the entire damn country of Korea.

Even now, present-day you is no exception to this rule. Holding back was never your strong suit, and Heejin almost seems to weaken you even more, with her innocent wide eyes that scream  _take care of me, stay with me, make me happy,_ and that's exactly what you do.

And it's not good for you to be with her before her date with a "very influential young man" who she must love for the sake of her company, especially if she takes your hand with bright smiles in the mornings and tells you drunkenly at night that she wants to kiss you. Especially if you want to, too.

Actually, not good is an understatement. It's tearing you apart, seeing her with someone else, watching everything happen in front of your eyes, knowing every detail, and still reading all the articles in the middle of the night that the media grinds out about  _Jeon Heejin, Soon-to-be CEO Getting a Date?_

And it's what you're doing now.

At the moment, Heejin's hair is done up in an intricate bun, and you absently play with the few strands that have escaped, fingers threading through wispy raven locks. As you meet eyes with her in the mirror, she smiles, but her heart's not really in it. The corners of her eyes don't crinkle up like they usually do, more of a weak tug of the lips than anything else. You don't comment on it.

"Don't be nervous," is all you have to say to her, tugging her up from the chair in front of the mirror onto the sofa. You don't think you'll ever get over how over-the-top rich people are - there are couches in the bathrooms - but you only have time to think for a few seconds before she curls up against your arms like she's been doing it her whole life and your mind goes pleasantly blank. Her heartbeat is steady against you, which is comforting, knowing she's here.

She responds after a long pause, and it's a lie. "I'm not." Heejin chews on the side of her cheek, a nervous habit; you don't know how she thinks she can get away with lying to you when you've been her bodyguard for 7 whole years. Really, you're trained to know these things.

"Come on." You take her face in your hands, give her what you think is a reassuring smile. "The date's gonna go great. Even if it doesn't, you'll probably still be able to make the business deal with him. It'll be fine."

That's not why she's nervous. She doesn't have to say, and neither do you, but both of you know why.

"I don't know. Everything feels a little more real now, now that he'll be here in less than 3 hours. I'm really doing this, huh? My first long-term relationship, and I don't even like them," Heejin says out loud, her voice less than a whisper.

"You're growing up." Bittersweet. Heejin doesn't respond. You need to lighten the atmosphere, somehow. "If he gives you trouble, I'll beat him up for you."

Heejin giggles, and the sound makes your heart jump in your chest.  _Mission accomplished,_ you think.

"You can't do that."

"Yeah, I totally can," you respond, all faux cockiness and bravado. "He doesn't stand a chance. I'm your bodyguard, Heejin."

Wrong move. Heejin's smile slips.  _Oops._ You lick your lips, nervous, not knowing what to say. Heejin's eyes trace the movement, and you're acutely aware of how close you are to her. You force yourself to swallow and respond.

"Do you wanna get ready? You know, to meet him. Talk to your parents a bit before. Run over business strategies." You actually have no idea what the fuck Heejin does before a business meeting - you're the brawn, and she's the brain.

"Can we just stay like this for a little longer?" Her voice is quiet and small, and you're struck by the conviction that saying no would be a crime punishable by death. "They asked me to meet them in 30 minutes."

"Sure," you say. Heejin drops her head onto your collarbone, arms coming to wrap around your waist. You marvel at how well you two seem to fit together, like a puzzle piece, her lithe body tucking comfortably into your strong build.

Her breath fans over your neck, tickling you, but you don't move. Not when she looks this content and carefree. Not when she looks more relaxed than you've seen her in weeks. The tug between her eyebrows is still there, even when she's trying to sleep. You frown. Her breaths are too fast and quick for her to be napping, but at least she's calmed, her hands opening from tight fists into a neutral stance.

Her breaths even out in a few minutes - you count a hundred times her chest rises and falls against you before she's gone. You've always been a little jealous about how easily she can pass out, anytime, anywhere, unlike you, who tosses and turns every night just for a semblance of sleep. You let your eyes roam her face for a few seconds, trying to commit this moment to memory as one of the few where you and Heejin actually get a fucking break. You can't recall the last time you and Heejin didn't have anything to do, not working or running or going, just being.

After a while, your eyes, as if magnetized, zero in on the mole right next to her right eye. It's so perfect, it looks penciled in, like with sharpie or something. You want to kiss it. You want to kiss her, find out how soft her lips really are, and a part of you is surprised by how quickly your thoughts are drawn to that topic, but another part was almost expecting it. You've wanted it for years, since that day when you were both 15 and she celebrated with you on your birthday even though she had other things to do just because you were lonely.

You scoff. 5 years. What a pathetically long time to be in love with somebody.

Heejin's hand curls onto your shirt just then, drawing your attention back to her. She's asleep. She's asleep. Something tightens painfully in your chest, like a string being drawn taut, and your breath goes shallow. You're going to regret doing this later, very soon, but you do anyway.

You leave a kiss on her mole. Short and fleeting, really just a brush of your lips against smooth skin, but Heejin's eyes flicker open in a second, like she was never even asleep in the first place. Like she was expecting it.

Fuck.

"Hyun?" Heejin mutters sleepily.

"Yeah?" Your heart is pounding.

Maybe she really didn't notice it or maybe she's taking pity on you, but she doesn't say what you think. Honestly, what she says is worse.

"Um, I think I need to go now. My parents are expecting me." Her voice has fallen back into her professional tone, but her words are slurring together slightly from sleep. She sits up, blinking blearily, and your heart aches from how badly you want to tell her to stay.

"Tell me how things go," you whisper to her. You don't want to know.

"I will."

You look at her and that same urge from before returns again. The setting sun frames her face, frames her, shrugging on her suit jacket. She's not Your Heejin anymore, she's theirs, she's her parent's good child, her date's perfect girl, the public's business prodigy.

She looks at you, takes your hand. It's a warm moment. She's shorter, so she has to look up, but only slightly, just a tilt of the head, and again you're struck by how perfect you two are for each other. A few scenarios run through your head in a matter of seconds - maybe in another life, you could've, if only. You break Heejin down into small, digestible pieces, the line of her neck, her sharp jaw, her sparkling eyes, the curve of her lips. Her lips.

Again you let your instinct win over your rationale - something about Heejin now, this moment, breaks your resolve. Maybe it's you, knowing that this is the last of You and Heejin. Maybe it's her, drawing you closer.

"Can I kiss you?" Your voice sounds strange and faint, even to yourself.

You hear Heejin's breath catch. She doesn't answer, and if you're starting to think you read the signs wrong when she kisses you. Your heart sighs in your chest. You can't believe this is the first time you've done this in your whole life, because now you just want to do it more and more. Her lips are just as soft as they look. You try and savor the moment since you're never ever going to be able to do this again.

It lasts a total of about 5 seconds, but when she pulls away, you're light-headed.

"Um," Heejin says breathlessly. She bites her lip. She doesn't want to talk about it. You don't.

"I love you," you say.

Heejin hears, "See you in a few hours."

"More than you know," Heejin responds.

You hear, "I'll be back soon."

You know, as you watch Heejin walk out of the door, that you and her can never happen. You know she will find a husband she will not love (for business, her parents will say), you know that she'll never be yours, you know that the brief period of your life where you can love her is coming to an end.

You know, and still, meeting eyes with Heejin as she looks back to steal one more glance at you, you hope.

**Author's Note:**

> give me feedback! this is my first time writing in second person
> 
> twitter: @centeryeojin  
> curiouscat link in pinned


End file.
